Woman vs. Xbox

The Xbox. Who invented this piece of work anyway. Who sat down and thought of it. Did they think about certain things when they made it. Did they think who might get addicted, who's child might see somethings that they shouldn't at such a young age. It definantly was not created by a woman. What woman wants her husband to be more excited about getting on a xbox and playing with his friends than he is about spending time with her. Not me. But lately that is exactly what is happening. I feel like we are good some days and then others we fight for no reason. I get frustraded because he can hold a conversation with the guys on the xbox but can't even look me in the eyes when i am trying to talk to him. I hate it. And when i say something he says i'm listening. I say then look at me, acknowldge me. And he says no just deal with it. I don't want to deal with it. I don't have to deal with it. What do i say to him. He leaves in the morning for Louisville. I think i might write him a letter for him to read and ponder on his trip. Things for him to think about. I don't know. All i know is its the final round of the match and either woman comes back or xbox wins.

Trying to pilot.

Don't get me wrong, i love my husband with all my heart. I guess i don't always feel that love in return. I know he loves me. I just need that affection. What woman doesn't. I need more than bedroom love. I need to have that feeling inside, that spark when he grabs my hand just to hold it, which he never does, when he puts his arms around me, which he never does, when he calls just to say i love you or leaves a little not to brighten my day. Things he use to do. Things i loved. Things i miss. He is a great father and i wouldn't trade him for the world. He had his mind set on no more children, i on the other hand have not made that decision yet. I don't know that i am ready to never be pregnant again, to never hold my little new born. Things that i don't know if i am ready to give up forever. Maybe that is selfish. I am sorry if it is. I feel it is selfish for him to make the sole decision that we are done, when i am the one who takes care of them 75-80% of the time. I feel that gives me a say. I told him i may be done and just don't know it, but at this moment that is not how i feel. I just want my feelings heard too. Not just on this subject. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Like i am talking to air. He cracks jokes when i talk and most of the time he doesn't even look at me and acknowledge me. He gets defensive when i try and talk to him about it. Grant it i don't always come at him with a nice tone, which doesn't help at all. I need to really take a look at myself i guess. How do i change this situation. Do i change myself first. Is that the first step? I need to put God back in control instead of always trying to fly this plane solo.

My own little world.

I need a place that is my own. A home away from home if you will. A place where i can vent my thoughts and no one will get hurt. A place where i can be me and not worry who is reading because i don't know them. That is this place. A place i am sure i will visit with often. A place where i can clear my head and i won't be judged. Thank you for being that place.