Trying to pilot.

Don't get me wrong, i love my husband with all my heart. I guess i don't always feel that love in return. I know he loves me. I just need that affection. What woman doesn't. I need more than bedroom love. I need to have that feeling inside, that spark when he grabs my hand just to hold it, which he never does, when he puts his arms around me, which he never does, when he calls just to say i love you or leaves a little not to brighten my day. Things he use to do. Things i loved. Things i miss. He is a great father and i wouldn't trade him for the world. He had his mind set on no more children, i on the other hand have not made that decision yet. I don't know that i am ready to never be pregnant again, to never hold my little new born. Things that i don't know if i am ready to give up forever. Maybe that is selfish. I am sorry if it is. I feel it is selfish for him to make the sole decision that we are done, when i am the one who takes care of them 75-80% of the time. I feel that gives me a say. I told him i may be done and just don't know it, but at this moment that is not how i feel. I just want my feelings heard too. Not just on this subject. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Like i am talking to air. He cracks jokes when i talk and most of the time he doesn't even look at me and acknowledge me. He gets defensive when i try and talk to him about it. Grant it i don't always come at him with a nice tone, which doesn't help at all. I need to really take a look at myself i guess. How do i change this situation. Do i change myself first. Is that the first step? I need to put God back in control instead of always trying to fly this plane solo.

My own little world.

I need a place that is my own. A home away from home if you will. A place where i can vent my thoughts and no one will get hurt. A place where i can be me and not worry who is reading because i don't know them. That is this place. A place i am sure i will visit with often. A place where i can clear my head and i won't be judged. Thank you for being that place.